I think my fart just growled at me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
