No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
