with your own penis?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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