I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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