A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
