she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
