yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
