I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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