I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
