that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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