just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need to calm my uterus...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
