So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
