Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
