Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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