discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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