i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
