Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
