I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
