Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
