Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
