you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
