I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
