The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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