yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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