Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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