Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
