every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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