my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
did you just send me my own nude
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
