Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
