Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
