Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
