Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
