The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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