Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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