my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
