Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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