I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
