Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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