I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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