Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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