I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
