Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
