its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
