According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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