I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
