hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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