we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
