I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
