I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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