someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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