can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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