Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
