I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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