Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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