Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm drive I can fine osifer
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
