I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
