Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Shame is for Republicans.
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